...yet I'll hammer it out
a surfeit of Pumfreys (spelt Pontefracts)
gross mistreatment of great poetry 
8 May 2005, 01:19 pm
richard ii looks down his nose
I was looking for something or other on my hard drive last night, and came across my effort to reduce all of Shakespeare's sonnets to haiku. Why on earth would somebody do this? I couldn't tell you, and I did it. ;)

At any rate, as it may amuse you, here's the first twenty of them. It was surprisingly hard to do and not have them all sound alike.


1.
Fair things should increase,
But you're hung up on yourself.
You should share, glutton.

2.
If, when you are old,
You still don't have any kids,
That would really suck.

3.
You look like your mom;
In you she remembers youth,
You should follow suit.

4.
You waste your beauty,
Which makes you a usurer.
Quit wanking and breed!

5.
Time will wear you down,
So you should distill yourself
In some woman's womb.

6.
If you had ten kids,
You'd be ten times happier;
You're too hot to die.

7.
As the sun goes down
And nobody watches it --
That could be your fate.

8.
Why don't you like songs?
It's because they all tell you
"Single, you'll prove none."

9.
If you die alone
Your widow will be the world,
Which means you're a jerk.

10.
Clearly you can't love
Since you do not love yourself,
Or else you would breed.

11.
Even when you're old
You can still have fresh young blood
If you copy yours.

12.
When I think of time,
Sunsets, or dead violets,
I hope they're not you.

13.
Your beauty's not yours,
So prepare now for your end;
That prolongs your lease.

14.
It's not in the stars,
But your eyes, where I find truth;
Die single -- truth dies.

15.
Nothing lasts for long:
Even you're subject to Time,
Which my verse combats.

16.
Even so, you should
Make war on Time for yourself,
Authoring progeny.

17.
Who'll believe my verse?
No one, unless your child lives
To make you live twice.

18.
You are a lot like
A beautiful summer day,
But you'll last longer.

19.
Time destroys all things;
I care not -- Time, do your worst:
Verse makes my love live.

20.
You should be a girl;
Nature made you, fell in love,
And gave you a prick.


More may follow, or not. ;)
Comments 
8 May 2005, 11:32 am (UTC)
You're completely mad!

Those are amazing.
8 May 2005, 01:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I blame grad school for the insanity. ;)
8 May 2005, 12:11 pm (UTC)
[info]papersky said I needed to see these.

SO not wrong.

20 is especially brilliant, but I am charmed by them all.
8 May 2005, 01:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm rather proud of 20 myself (and the original is one of my favorite of the Sonnets). :D
8 May 2005, 12:50 pm (UTC)
You had me at 2. :) These are great!
8 May 2005, 01:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed them. :)
8 May 2005, 01:19 pm (UTC)
Also here via [info]papersky. These are just priceless. And having only read the sonnets in bits and pieces, never all in one whack, I had never realized before just how repetitive that reproductive theme is.
8 May 2005, 09:36 pm (UTC)
It is, isn't it? The haiku format really emphasizes that.

Some scholars think that he wrote the "go breed" sonnets on commission, actually...
9 May 2005, 05:59 am (UTC)
Well, he did send his poems to the Earl of Somerset's court fro their first public readings, and the Earl's mother is recorded by several sources as being rather intense on the subject of grandbabies - as in, she wanted to be up to her neck in them, and the Earl was not co-operating. It isn't that far-fetched to imagine the old lady might slip the local rhymester a bag of gold or two to talk up the subjects of girls and offspring.
10 May 2005, 04:57 am (UTC)
Explains why he seems so morbidly preoccupied with talk of fucking and breeding.
8 May 2005, 02:04 pm (UTC)
THESE ARE AWESOME. I desire to steal about half of them to show my geeky friends. XD
8 May 2005, 09:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And feel free to distribute; I love having my work shown to people. :D
8 May 2005, 02:14 pm (UTC)
[info]ekaterina posted a link to these... so here I am to say they're fabulous!
8 May 2005, 09:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
8 May 2005, 03:38 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty picky about my haiku, but I'm impressed by these! Well done, and very amusing!
8 May 2005, 09:37 pm (UTC)
Glad I could impress you! :D
8 May 2005, 03:58 pm (UTC)
Awesome. Thank you for sharing them!
8 May 2005, 09:38 pm (UTC)
You're most welcome! Glad you enjoyed them. :)
8 May 2005, 03:59 pm (UTC) - ouch, ouch, ouch
my brain hurts too, just like [info]pecunium's. I will have to link these and spread the pain around some more. (of course it is only karma upon me, and probably a celestial reminder that I have unfinished work to do...)
8 May 2005, 09:40 pm (UTC) - Re: ouch, ouch, ouch
Sorry about your brain! ;)

And I do plan on doing the rest, eventually.
8 May 2005, 04:00 pm (UTC) - oh and yeah
do the rest, do the rest!
8 May 2005, 06:05 pm (UTC)
Fun! Thank you!

([info]marith sent me.)
8 May 2005, 09:40 pm (UTC)
You're welcome! Glad you liked them. :)
8 May 2005, 06:17 pm (UTC)
Man was seriously obsessed with progeny. Hadn't realized that until just now: look, you've illuminated the study of Shakespeare!

Or perhaps we're both mad.

(Here via link from [info]r_ness.)
8 May 2005, 09:35 pm (UTC)
look, you've illuminated the study of Shakespeare!

YES! *does Victory Dance*
8 May 2005, 09:34 pm (UTC)
Good God, for a moment I thought you were inventively doing the same one several times with a different view on the theme. What is it with Shakespeare and reproduction!

Lovely though. :) I was much amused.
8 May 2005, 09:42 pm (UTC)
Thanks!

As I said to [info]loligo, it might have been a commission or something, or he may have been playing with more conventional sonnet themes (cf. the childbirth imagery that opens Sidney's Astrophil and Stella)...
9 May 2005, 01:24 am (UTC)
I love you. Have I mentioned lately?
10 May 2005, 03:24 pm (UTC)
Why, thank you! ;)
9 May 2005, 02:42 am (UTC)
I'm also here via [info]papersky and gosh am I glad I followed the link. I particularly like the 19th one. Reminds me of e.e.cummings.

The breeding theme is bizarre.

Good work!
10 May 2005, 03:25 pm (UTC)
Hey, I hadn't thought of that! Maybe if I put it in lowercase... ;)

Glad you enjoyed. :)
9 May 2005, 03:13 am (UTC)
More! More! :-).
10 May 2005, 03:26 pm (UTC)
More will be forthcoming. :)
9 May 2005, 06:56 am (UTC)
[info]marith sent me as well. Definitely do the rest. :)
10 May 2005, 03:26 pm (UTC)
I shall do my best. :)
9 May 2005, 07:46 am (UTC)
Here courtesy of papersky, and I concur with the comments above: more! more!

I love 7 and 18 in particular. ;-)
10 May 2005, 03:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed them. :)
9 May 2005, 01:13 pm (UTC)
just wanted to say how much I liked these, and thank you to Papersky for pointing to them.
They're sort of distilled essence of the Bard. Or of his themes anyway, thoy really clarify things. Fascinating exercise, thank you for doing it--and for inventing the concept.
One's devious mind starts to wonder wheere else it could be applied, for some reason TS Eliot comes to mind. Now those, I suspect, would really all sound the same.
10 May 2005, 03:28 pm (UTC)
It is an interesting way of getting at the sonnets, I have to agree. I imagine that the next set will be less repetitive. ;)

I have a friend who's working on a "translation" of The Faerie Queene into limericks. Now that's truly impressive. ;)
10 May 2005, 04:00 am (UTC)
[info]peacockharpy pointed us this way.

You are a LEGEND.
10 May 2005, 03:29 pm (UTC)
Thank you! *bows*
10 May 2005, 04:23 am (UTC)
Wow...[info]serenasnape pointed me this way...you're amazing...
10 May 2005, 03:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed them. :)
17 May 2005, 04:49 am (UTC)
Great job! I actually found these through a link in a writer's newsletter.
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